Episode One

Scene one. A tiny set, very artificial looking. An antique shop. Through the back door is a kitchen, with the end of a draining board and then a gap where the flattage has run out. Outside the shop window is a crooked photo of a street. All the actors in the serial are over made-up (women) or speak ironically (men). Babs is blonde, sitting by a blank wall-plan. She’s on the phone, holding it well away from her face for the camera. Music

Babs

Acorn Antiques, can I help you? No, I’m afraid he’s out buying antiques, who is it calling?

Mrs Overall, the daily help, comes in with coffee. Babs waves and smiles, then frowns abruptly.

Rowena? From Kuwait? Hello? Hello?

She puts the phone down.

Darn. Oh sorry, Mrs Overall.

Mrs Overall

Here’s your coffee, Miss Babs. Now what’s wrong?

Babs

Oh nothing, just a rather mysterious phone call from the Far East.

Mrs Overall

Yes, well, sometimes that’s God’s way of saying think on and look sharp.

Babs

You’re right. Gosh. I am awful. Here I am blabbing away about my own troubles and I never asked you about your husband’s car crash.

Mrs Overall

Oh he’s dead, Miss Babs. In fact I was going to ask you if I could have a couple of hours off on Thursday for the funeral.

Babs

Of course. Just pop back at five for the hoovering. What happened?

Mrs Overall

His heart stopped beating.

Babs

Oh, no.

Mrs Overall

Yes, well, sometimes that’s God way of telling you you’re dead. Not to worry Bingo tonight. Mr Kenneth not down yet?

Babs

Er, no.

Mrs Overall

That’s not like him, he’s not having a nervous breakdown, is he?

Babs

To tell you the truth, Mrs Overall, we had a huge row last night, he put the triplets in the Wolseley and I haven’t seen him since.

Mrs Overall

Men! Oh well, better get on and dust a few antiques.

Babs sips coffee and pulls a face

Babs

Well, they say things go in threes.

Mrs Overall

Why, whatever’s happened?

Babs

You forgot my sweeteners. Ho ho ho.

Mrs Overall

Ho ho ho.

Music.

Scene Two. Babs on the phone.

Babs

Yes, just bring your antiques in. Bye.

Enter an enigmatic man (Clifford).

Clifford

Babs?

Babs

Bored with Zurich, or did Zurich get bored with you?

Clifford

You always did ask a good question.

Babs

But did I ever get a good answer?

Clifford

You look well. Answering the phone in a family antiques business seems to suit you.

Babs

Thank you, kind sir.

Clifford

Babs, can’t we…?

Babs

We? Who’s we, Clifford? There might have been a we before you left me by the handbags in a well-known store…

Pause

Clifford

Don’t say any more. I love you, Babs.

Babs

I’ve changed, Clifford. I have triplets now.

He lunges at her over the desk.

Clifford

Darn your triplets!

We cut back to close-up of Clifford.

There’s something I haven’t told you. I go bell-ringing on Wednesday nights.

Cast

Babs

Celia Imrie

Mrs Overall

Julie Walters

Clifford

Duncan Preston

Bertha

Victoria Wood

First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV, on BBC2 in January 1985.