Episode Three

Scene One. Trixie is on the phone. She is very flighty and tarty.

Trixie

No, I’m sorry, Miss Babs has taken the triplets to see ‘Get Carter’, they won’t be back till this afternoon. No, you won’t recognise my voice, this is my first day in the antique shop, I’ve just been moved up from antique packing. Sorry? Trixie. Trixie Trouble, some people call me. Bye…

Mrs Overall enters disapprovingly with a cocktail and some biscuits.

Mrs Overall

Here’s your cocktail, and don’t blame me if you run out of stomach lining.

Trixie

I won’t. Anyway, I only have to snap my fingers and somebody I know will come running with a dozen stomach linings.

Mrs Overall

I suppose you mean Mr Kenneth?

Trixie

He’s already brought me a leotard and a wet-look wig.

Mrs Overall

And what did you have to do in return?

Trixie

You’d better ask the receptionist at the Formica Motel.

Mrs Overall

Disgusting. And him an ex-Territorial with triplets.

Trixie

That’s a matter of conjuncture. I found out quite a few things at the Formica Motel; one, that your precious Miss Babs checked in there nine months to the day before the triplets were born.

Mrs Overall

Who with?

Enter Derek. Trixie files her nails pointedly.

Derek

It’s very quiet in here, I hope you weren’t talking about me.

Scene Two. Babs at the desk with Derek.

Babs

Right, so we’ll have those antiques packed up immediately and sent down to the station. Plenty of Sellotape, we don’t want any more accidents.

Derek

Yes, Miss Babs.

Babs

(over-casually) How’s your girlfriend these days, Derek? What was her name, Marie-Therese Francine Dubois?

Derek

Yes, Miss. She’s – back in the convent, Miss.

Babs

Oh, no! After all that trouble you went to, to find her a pleated skirt. Did she leave a note?

Derek

She left a novel, but I don’t think it’s very commercial.

They speak together.

Miss Babs!

Babs

Derek!

Derek

I still think about you, Miss Babs. When I’m watching the show-jumping or grilling a tomato.

She puts out a hand and snatches it back as Trixie enters. They all crowd into one shot.

Trixie

Oh, sorry. Hope I’m not interrupting anything.

Babs

Of course not, Trixie. We were just discussing the best way of packaging a Spode tea service.

Trixie

Yes, well we can’t afford to have anything broken, can we?

Babs

What do you mean?

Trixie

Like your marriage to Mr Kenneth?

She pulls out some photos from her bag.

Trixie

It’s amazing what you can find in a waterproof packet tied to a lavatory ballcock if you look hard enough.

Credits.

Seems like I’m not the only one round here with a birthmark shaped like a moped – Mummy…

Cast

Babs

Celia Imrie

Mrs Overall

Julie Walters

Trixie

Rosie Collins

Derek

Kenny Ireland

First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV, on BBC2 in January 1985.