Acorn Antiques

	Acorn Antiques Episode Four

	Scene One. Trixie and Mrs Overall at the desk.
Mrs Overall	Well it’s a long time since I’ve seen a diamond engagement ring as expensive as that. Not since Miss Babs got married.
Trixie	Why, this is her ring, Mrs O! Don’t forget we just found out Miss Babs is my mother!
Mrs Overall	Why of course. But doesn’t that mean you’re engaged to your own brother?
Trixie	Well, yes, but Mummy spoke to the vicar and he’s prepared to make an exception.
Mrs Overall	That’s a relief. Well, I’d better go and take away Miss Babs’ coffee cup. It’s a new brand, the last lot tasted a bit odd apparently.
	Enter Babs.
Babs	Hello, Mrs O. I thought I’d bring my own coffee cup down today. You know, it still tastes a little bit odd.
Trixie	What sort of little bit odd?
Babs	Oh, I don’t know, almost as if someone was trying to kill me…
Trixie	Oh Mum, you are an old silly billy – ho ho.
	She stops laughing when she notices Babs and Mrs Overall look serious.
Babs	Well you see, I am the majority shareholder in Acorn Antiques, since Berta’s amnesia. If I were to die that would certainly suit Cousin Jerez very well.
Mrs Overall	But he’s a notorious gambler and playboy. And anyway, he’s in Marbella.
	Enter Cousin Jerez with a peculiar accent.
Jerez	Correction, was in Marbella. Planes are very quick nowadays, or perhaps here in your world of antiques you did not know this.
Mrs Overall	I’ll make some sherry, Miss Babs. (Exits.)
	Babs corpses slightly at this mistake.
Jerez	And who is this charming young señorita?
Babs	She’s my daughter, and she’s engaged.
Jerez	Not too engaged to come out dancing this evening, I hope?
Trixie	I, I…
Babs	Aren’t you and Bobby going crown green bowling this evening?
Trixie	No, he’s ricked his wrist. Yes I’d love to come out dancing.
Jerez	That’s settled, then.
Trixie	Can I borrow your long-line bra, Mummy?
Babs	It’s in my sideboard.
Jerez	Do you have any dresses that fasten with Velcro?
Trixie	Yes, a blue one.
Jerez	Wear it.
	Reaction from Babs.
	Scene Two. The lounge. A sofa and a standard lamp. Babs and Jerez are having coffee.
Jerez	That was a delicious five-course meal, thank you. I’d forgotten how good you were with quails.
Babs	I may feed you, Cousin Jerez, but I don’t like you. Let’s cut the pleasantries, shall we? Just why do you want to buy my shares? You don’t like antiques and you never have done.
Jerez	True. But I do like motorway service stations.
Babs	What do you mean?
Jerez	Look out of the window.
Babs	There are some council workmen putting a sign up. I can’t quite… ‘New motorway to be built here, starting the 25^th’. That’s tomorrow! Why haven’t I had a letter?
	Jerez whistles a few notes
	Why are you whistling like that? I know that tune, it’s the one our postman always whistles. Oh I see, it wasn’t a postman at all, it was you!
	Enter Mrs Overall.
Mrs Overall	Can I clear away now, Miss Babs? The triplets are a bit fractious and I promised I’d pop up and read them a bit of Simone de Beauvoir.
Babs	Yes, do clear away, Mrs O. In fact, you may as well clear away the whole darn shop!
	Music. Credits.
Jerez	Could you fetch my briefcase, Mrs Overall? I’d like to show Miss Babs my theodolite.

	Cast
Babs	Celia Imrie
Mrs Overall	Julie Walters
Trixie	Rosie Collins
Jerez	Peter Ellis
	First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV, on BBC2 in January 1985.

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