Episode Five

Scene One. Derek puffing and panting, having just moved something. Enter Mrs Overall with tea.

Mrs Overall

Here’s your beef tea, Derek. You’ve never shifted that 1869 Bechstein all by yourself?

Derek

Well, I didn’t like to bother Mr Kenneth. He was having his breakfast.

Mrs Overall

What was it Muesli? What was it, muesli?

Derek

I think so, Mrs O.

Mrs Overall

Yes well, I think muesli is God’s way of making shredded wheat look exciting.

Derek winces.

It’s your heart, isn’t it, Derek? You strained it, didn’t you, lifting that oil tanker off Miss Berta’s handbag.

Derek

Well, I knew she was right fond of it. Do you think those revolutionary new tablets will cure her amnesia?

Mrs Overall

Well they might, if she could ever remember to take them.

Pause. Enter Trixie in a wedding dress.

Trixie

Honestly, I could kill those triplets!

Mrs Overall shakes her head. Trixie realises it’s not her entrance and retreats, bumping into Babs.

Babs

Hello Derek, Mrs O. Honestly, I just don’t see how we can get this wedding ready in a month. Trixie hasn’t even chosen her dress yet.

Derek

What’s happened about the new motorway, Miss Babs?

Babs

Oh, I phoned up the Town Hall and they’ve agreed to re-route it and knock some poor people’s houses down instead.

Mrs Overall

Oh, I am pleased. This calls for some tonic wine and a sponge finger.

Babs

Yes, Mrs O. I should jolly well think it does.

They all laugh. Derek winces and holds his chest.

I say Derek, your heart’s strong enough to put up the marquee up all by yourself, isn’t it?

Derek

If it’s for an Acorn Antiques wedding, Miss Babs, I’ll put it up even if it kills me.

Mrs Overall and Babs look apprehensive.

Scene Two. The lounge. Berta and Babs on the sofa. Trixie rushes in as before, in a clean wedding dress.

Trixie

Honestly, I could kill those triplets!

Babs

Calm down, Trixie, whatever’s the matter?

Trixie

They’ve put jammy fingerprints all over the front – all over it at the back.

Babs

We’ll get Mrs O to sponge it off.

Mrs Overall enters as she is being called for.

Mrs O!

Mrs Overall

What on earth’s wrong with the front of your frock? Looks like jam.

Trixie

On the back, yes.

Mrs Overall

(out of character) What?

Trixie

There is jam on the back. The triplets didn’t put any on the front.

Mrs Overall freezes, completely lost.

Shall I come along with you and you’ll find something to sponge it with?

Mrs Overall

Come along with me and I’ll find something to sponge it with.

After a short pause they leave the room.

Babs

Trixie’s going to look gorgeous this afternoon, isn’t she, Berta?

Berta

I don’t know any Trixies.

Laughs slightly at this odd remark.

I don’t know anybody. I live in a world of strangers.

Enter Clifford.

Babs

Clifford! What are you doing here? I thought I made my feelings quite clear last November in the British Home Stores.

Clifford

But I’m here to see Berta.

Babs

Berta? But you hardly know her.

Clifford

You may well be right, Babs, but the fact remains, whether she can remember it or not, Berta and I were married by the Bishop of Manchesterford the Tuesday before last.

Credits.

Babs

So that’s why there was confetti on her body-warmer!

Cast

Babs

Celia Imrie

Mrs Overall

Julie Walters

Clifford

Duncan Preston

Bertha

Victoria Wood

Trixie

Rosie Collins

Derek

Kenny Ireland

First shown on Victoria Wood—As Seen on TV, on BBC2 in January 1985.