Acorn Antiques

	Acorn Antiques
	Episode Six

	Scene one. Clifford, face unmarked, is mopping his nose with a bloodstained hanky. Berta and Babs stand by, faces blank. They receive some cue and begin acting.
Babs	Well, Clifford, you came in at exactly the right moment. Trust me to forget Cousin Jerez was an expert knife-thrower.
Clifford	He won’t be building any more motorways round here in a hurry.
Babs	What’s in your letter, Berta?
Berta	It’s from the Bishop of Manchesterford. No, I can’t have an annulment, and yes, I did leave my gardening gloves in the vestry.
	Short pause. Enter Mrs Overall.
	Hear that, Mrs O?
Berta	Look Mrs O, no amnesia!
Mrs Overall	Oh, I am pleased.
Berta	And do you know what was the first thing I remembered, what was it?
Mrs Overall	No, I don’t, Miss Berta.
Berta	I remembered that I’m absolutely mad about your delicious home-made gingerbread!
	They all laugh.
Mrs Overall	Coming right up, Miss Berta.
Clifford	Could Berta and Babs fetch it themselves, Mrs O? I’d, er, like a word.
Babs	Why, of course we could. As Mrs O would say, fetching your own gingerbread is God’s way of letting you have an extra piece!
	Babs and Berta exit laughing. As Clifford speaks Babs knocks into something off set.
(Babs	What blithering nuisance left that here?)
(Voice	Ssh!)
Clifford	There’s been a new development over Berta’s father’s will. A new one has been found, dated the day he died…
Mrs Overall	And who’s the sole beneficiary this time?
Clifford	That’s the problem. It’s a little redhead he met in the blackout in 1943. They had one night of passion and he never saw her again.
Mrs Overall	Or he thought he never saw her again!
Clifford	What do you mean, Mrs O?
Mrs Overall	Oh, I’m grey now, Mr Clifford, fairly grey indeed, but right up to 1947 my hair was red – as red as a London bus!
	Music
	Scene Two. The lounge. A celebration. Mrs Overall, Trixie, Derek, Babs, Berta and Clifford, all drinking water out of champagne glasses.
Berta	I can’t believe it Mrs O is my mother!
Mrs Overall	Well, I am. The doctor said he’d never seen a finer pair of twins.
Berta	Twins? But –
Mrs Overall	A lovely big boy.
Berta	But where is he now?
Mrs Overall	I had to give him away – we hadn’t room for the two cots.
Babs	Oh well, he probably would have turned into a hulking great brute anyway.
	She stares at Derek thoughtfully.
Trixie	Oh I spoke to our family doctor, Doctor Wimley, today.
Babs	And?
Trixie	Apparently, being spiteful and having lots of extra-marital affairs could bring back my jaundice, so I’m going to be really nice from now on.
Clifford	So we can’t call you Trixie Trouble any more.
Trixie	No in fact its Sister Trixie – I’ve taken holy orders. Bobby’s running me up to the convent in the Wolseley. Bye!
	Exit Trixie. The phone rings.
Babs	Hello? I thought you’d committed suicide. OK, see you later. That was my so-called husband, not dead at all. He says put the triplets in their body-warmers – he’s taking us all to Manchesterford Zoo, if you please!
Mrs Overall	It was just a cry for help, Miss Babs. Otherwise why try to slash your wrists with an electric razor?
Babs	I’d better go and find that king-size thermos. Looking at animals can be thirsty work.
Berta	Oh, we’ll go and look for it, Babs.
Clifford	Yes, Berta and I have lots to talk about.
Mrs Overall	Well, if it’s to be another christening, I’ll need plenty of notice, or we won’t have nearly enough delicious home-made gingerbread.
Berta	We will!
	Clifford and Berta leave, laughing.
Babs	She may find my thermos, but will she ever find her twin brother?
Mrs Overall	All I know is, he’s called Derek and he’s a handyman in an antiques shop.
Babs	Derek? That’s your name, isn’t it, Derek?
Derek	Well, yes, Miss Babs.
Babs	And this is an antiques shop and you are a handyman!
Derek	I must be Miss Berta’s twin brother then, Miss Babs.
Babs	Yes, run along and tell her, Derek!
	Exit Derek.
Babs	Phew – it’s been an … Sorry, Mrs O, both talking at the same time there.
Mrs Overall	I was just saying, someone had better answer that phone.
	Phone begins to ring.
Babs	Oh blow, I suppose I’d better answer it.
Mrs Overall	You answer it and I’ll bring you a nice hot cup of coffee.
Babs	You don’t have to.
	Phone stops ringing.
	After all, you are the sole proprietor of Acorn Antiques now. Hello?
	Mrs Overall leaves.
	The ‘Mona Lisa’? Yes, I certainly have heard of it. Yes do, we’re open till five. Bye.
	Mrs Overall comes back in with coffee.
	Looks like we won’t have to go out of business after all. I’ve just been offered Leonard da Lisa’s ‘Mona Vinci’ at a very reasonable price.
Mrs Overall	And Miss Berta’s found your thermos, and apparently it’s not a thermos at all, it’s a very valuable Georgian silver wine cooler!
Babs	Well, they say things go in threes.
Mrs Overall	Why, whatever’s the third thing?
Babs	You remembered my sweeteners! Ho ho.
	They laugh. Music. Credits.
Mrs Overall	Oh Miss Babs, I’m awfully sorry, I think I’ve given you the wrong coffee – that one’s full of poison guaranteed to cause agonizing death within minutes!
	Reaction from Babs.

	Cast
Babs	Celia Imrie
Mrs Overall	Julie Walters
Clifford	Duncan Preston
Bertha	Victoria Wood
Trixie	Rosie Collins
Derek	Kenny Ireland
	First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV on BBC2 in January 1985.

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