Alternative Tango

As sung by Victoria Wood on Victoria Wood real life—the songs, CD number OMCD1212

I never wanted to say "nig-nog".
I was never keen on "Paki",
Or "capitalist lackey"
I thought was rather tacky.
It was never on my lips,
But there’s a term I’m rather fond of,
And to use it I do hanker.
It’s not heard in Casablanca.
That little word is "wanker".

As a term it’s had its chips.

They say it’s not correct,

It’s got to go.
They say it’s too direct.
Well I don’t know,
If it is never heard,
Then how convey
That very special word
Another way?

He is a little self abusive.

His mitts are always in his nix.
He prefers to jiggle solo.
He prefers his own last Rolo
To a bag of Pick ’n’ Mix.
He writes for Masturbation Weekly.
When opportunity occurs,
If you’re buying him a present,
His ’n’ Hers things can be pleasant,
But don’t bother wrapping hers.

I’ve never wanted to say "Fart Face".

I don’t find "arse hole" too appealing.
It depends with whom you’re dealing,
And it’s just a personal feeling,
But I don’t like how it sounds,
But political correctness
Has taken hold just like a canker.
I would like to nick a tanker
And run down that stupid wanker
Who has put it out of bounds.

Alright, it’s not correct.

I’m out of touch,
But please reflect,
It says so much.
Are there some other ways?
It’s such a shame.
Is there another phrase
That means the same?

His scrotum isn’t used to strangers.

There are no condoms on his shelf.
When his tones caress and soften,
When he asks d’you come here often,
He is talking to himself.
He’ll never need a big address book,
Cos all his friends are in his flies.
A dick may sometimes disappear,
But it won’t drag you round IKEA,
Or buy you polyester ties.

And if it’s not correct,

It’s awfully cute.
I feel I must reject
A substitute.
Though it may make you squirm,
You find it’s strong.
To use another term
Just takes so long.

His favourite film is Brief Encounter.

He has the tissues standing by.
He thought Get Shorty was just silly.
He was mad about Free Willy.
And it’s easy to see why.
His wrists keep very fit and active.
They’ll never need to join a gym.
He has no need of a friend or neighbour.
He can toss without a caber
Altogether—lucky him!

The world is full of different people.

Some are moral. Some are heinous.
Some are ugly, some like Venus.
Some take photos of their penis.
We all have our different acts,
And as the world turns through a new day,
We know that bankers will be banking.
Harassed mothers will be spanking.
No doubt wankers will be thanking
You and me for facing facts.

Ó Victoria Wood