Bastards

As featured in Lucky Bag: The Victoria Wood Song Book, 1^st edition published 1984 by Methuen, ISBN 0-413-56140-2 (hardback), 0-413-56150-X (paperback).

I must confess I've used this tune once before, for an educational programme. It was a long time ago, before I had my hair cut anyway. I have it cut quite a lot now, and what I want to know is, are you supposed to tip the woman who brings you the cup of tea? The whole operation is fraught with potential embarrassments, let alone the fact that you are stuck for three hours reading House and Garden.

Outside, I'm desperate to please.
I say the things you want to hear. I'm kind.
I don't complain to waiters. I'm keen to be well-liked.
I smile a lot and never speak my mind.

But inside, I'm bursting with ill-will,

And one day the veneer will start to crack.
First I'll stop the smiling, and then the little lies,
And maybe I'll go mad and answer back.

Whenever they say,
Are you happy with your hair?

I'll say I think the perm was a mistake.
It looks absolutely foul.
The best bit is the towel.
I refuse to pay to look like Charlie Drake.

Whenever he says,
How was it for you?

I'm going to say, it was not good enough.
It makes a cervical smear
Seem like a good idea.
And by the way, your navel's full of fluff.

Whenever they say,
Did you enjoy the meal?

I'll say, your waiter has a CSE in sloth.
The soup was freezing cold
And the strawberries had mould,
And the coq-au-vin reminded me of both.

Whenever they cry,
Well aren't we having fun,

Barbara's parties always go so well?
I'll say, I'm bored out of my brains.
I've had more fun down the drains.
I'm going to slash my wrists or read The White Hotel.

And when the bastards say,
Did you enjoy the show?

I'll say I did not like it. It was crap.
I was really bored.
It should win a fringe award.
They had to wake me up to make me clap.

So whatever they say,
Just say something back

It's time the social liars went on strike.
Truth is just the job.
Make trouble with your gob.
You just tell them what the hell, yes,
You just tell them what the hell, yes,
You just tell them what the hell you like.

© Victoria Wood, 1983