One day

As sung by Victoria Wood on Victoria Wood—As Seen On TV and on the BBC Video Victoria Wood—As Seen On TV

One day,
A feeling-sorry-that-you’ve-gone day,
I will maybe write a note,
Send it to float

Right to your door.
I won’t sign it.
I’ll just deliver it and go
And no-one but you will know
Who I wrote it for.

One day,
A feeling-slightly-put-upon day.
I will maybe send a rose
That no-one knows

From whom it came.
I won’t sign it.
I’ll just leave it in the hall,
Maybe blow a kiss that’s all,
I won’t leave my name.

One day,
A wishing-I’d-become-a-don day,
I will maybe try and grab
A London cab

To your bungalow.
I won’t see you.
I won’t even ring the bell.
I will simply wish you well,
Then I’ll turn and go.

© Victoria Wood

Bessie!

As sung by Victoria Wood on Victoria Wood—As Seen On TV and on the BBC Video Victoria Wood—As Seen On TV

One day I was Bessie Bunter.
Who was she?
She was just a punter.
She was nobody.

Then suddenly

One hot night
Had a brainwave
Like a spotlight.
Wave goodbye to Bessie.
Say hello to me!

Me!
I'm going to be free.
I'm gonna do all those things I've never done before.
Open the door!
Let's even the score.
I'm looking for life to go and kick it in the crutch,
Just a touch,
To make it clear
That Bess is here
With her one-woman junta.
Please watch out for Bessie Bunter.

Me!
Who else could it be?
I'm gonna bleach my hair,
Wear clothes that show my tits
At the Ritz.
I'm Bessie the Blitz.
I'm gonna make Dolly Parton look like Meryl Streep.
I mean cheap.
I mean bad,
Drive men mad
To make this girl surrender.
Will they get to my pudenda?

Don't answer that; dance!

Yes!
Here's looking at Bess!
Here's looking at thirteen stone of sex.
Who can it be?
Well it's me!
Come and see.
Look at me!
You'll agree
It's all me!

© Victoria Wood