Count Your Blessings

As sung by Victoria Wood in Victoria Wood—As Seen On TV (second series), shown on BBC2 in November 1986

When I'm feeling lousy,

When lousy's what I feel,
I give myself a lecture.

I do myself a deal.
I sing this little number.

I tra-la-la this verse.
I say, however lousy,

Things could be worse.

I could be on safari getting trampled by a rhino.
I could be in my bare feet stood on icy lino.

I could be dying.
I could be dead,
Could be 6 foot 8
And keep banging my head,
I could.

I could be an early Christian being eaten by a lion.
I could be a little crumple getting flattened by an iron.

I could have mumps.
I could have flu.
I could be a giant panda
And have to eat bamboo,
I could.

I could be nervous policeman with a faulty walkie-talkie.
I could be a lorry driver who hates the taste of Yorkie.

I could have dry skin.
I could have split ends.
I could be a deep sea diver
Having trouble with the bends,
I could, I could,
And it would not be good,

So I say:

Count your blessings. Count them one by one.
You've forgotten when the sun has shone.
Count your blessings up before you curse,
Cos other people have it much, much worse.

Uh oh oh oh.
Uh oh oh oh.

Could have a morbid fear of mothballs or a similar neurosis,
Could be awfully outgoing with dreadful halitosis,

I could be hit.
I could be thumped.
I could be a sofa cushion.
That is regularly plumped,
I could.

I could be playing poker and not know that someone's bluffing.
I could be a taxidermist who's just run out of stuffing.

I could be dim.
I could be crass.
I could have a log fire
That's really gas,
I could.

I could wear sleeveless frocks I look particularly drab in.
I could be on a diet and work in Thornton's chocolate cabin.

I could be in a cage.
I could be in a hutch,
Could be stranded in the Netherlands
Without a word of Dutch,
I could, I could,
And it would not be good,

So I say:

Count your blessings while you've got the chance.
Lose your gloom and let the sun advance.
Count your blessings up, and you'll be glad,
Cos other people have it really bad.

Uh oh oh oh.
Uh oh oh oh.

I could have nasty lodgers and never get them shifted.
I could have famous bosoms and be forced to have them lifted.

I could get locked in.
I could get locked out.
I could do the hokey-cokey,
Have to shake it all about,
I could.

I could be a rubber planter drinking gin in Kuala Lumpur,
I could get caught in Safeways with a chicken up my jumper,

I could be duped,
I could be tricked,
I could be a lolly
And I could get licked,
I could.

I could be a little hedgehog trying to cross the highway.
I could be Frank Sinatra getting sick to death of "My Way".

I could be too cold.
I could be too hot.
I could be permanently knackered
Like Selina Scott,
I could, I could,
And it would not be good,

So I say:

Count your blessings, cos it's worth your while.
Count your blessings and you'll have to smile.
Other people have it really rough,
So count your blessings till you've got enough.

© Victoria Wood