Fattitude

Pumping music.  Madge addresses her aerobics class, clad in a bright pink leotard displaying her fine figure.

Madge

Come in everybody, find a space.  Hi Betty, hi Dot.  Dot, Dotty, how did you get on last night?  Did he not?  Was he not?  Could he not?  No.  He was probably threatened by your new-found physicality.  All right, spread out everybody, nice arm's reach between every person.  Hi, are you new?  Have you got any trainers?  Well, just do the best you can with those.  They're not ideal, stilettos.  Connie, Connie, come away from the air-conditioning.  No, because when we go leaping and springing you're going to give yourself a sort of mini lobotomy on the corner of that.  You what, you've had one already and they only gave you a support stocking?  You should have said something.  Okay we're ready, marching on the spot.  Connie, both feet.  Now, I see we have quite a few newies here today, so is there anything I should know about?  Bad backs, injuries, funny knees?  Yes, you what, your leg?  What's wrong with it?  It's plastic?  No that's fine, no it's nice.  It's nicer than your other one.  All right, bit more vigorous.  What I say to everybody is go at your own pace.  If you can't do the legs, do the arms.  If you can't do the arms, do the breathing.  If you can't do the breathing, you don't deserve to live.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.  No, I'm only kidding, I'm very wacky in my style, you'll get used to me.  A bit more vigorous.  Now, I'll just launch into my usual preamble.  Bear down with me if you've heard it before.  I'm Madge, obviously, oh no sorry, not obviously, I've usually got it written on.  I've got a new leotard on tonight.  Do you like it?  It's flattering, isn't it?  I wasn't sure when I got it home.  I thought, hmm, a bit subtle.  Okay, stepping side to side.  Stepping to the left, Connie, to the left, no because you're actually hurting her foot doing that.  Where's the lady with the plastic leg?  Can you stand next to Connie for me?  Okay, I'm Madge.  Welcome to my Friday night low impact class for fatties with attitude.  Welcome to FATTITUDE!  Okay, let's funkyit up a little.  Because you can do any diet you like, girls, but if you don't do those exercises you are up that shopping centre without a credit card.  And I should know, I've been there.  I used to have a weight problem.  Oh yes, I was quite hippy at one point.  Okay, put a bit of kick into it now.  Very gently kicking the buttock, giving it a nice stretch to the front of the thigh there, Connie, kick your own buttock.  Okay, steady on down into a plié.  Plie on down now.  Now what we're doing here, I'll just explain, carry on doing it.  What we're doing here, we're working the muscle here.  It's the glutonius maxitive and it's the biggest muscle in the entire body and it's actually directly connected to the brain.  So when we're working it we're actually improving our circulation and our breathing and out ability to follow a knitting pattern.  And punch.  Punching across.  Punching, raising the heartbeat, getting ready to burn fat.  Now don't get me wrong, we're not all looking to be skinny, we don't all want to be Madonna do we?  No, some of us want to be Petula Clark, don't we?  And who else, yes, Michelle Pffiefferfiffer, yes, she's nice.  Who?  Kylie Minogue, no, sorry to me Kylie is too much petite-o.  I think there is a point with skinny where it can tip over into scrawny.  And I should know because I'm dangerously near it myself.  Okay.  Raising the heartbeat now, getting ready for the aerobics section.  Now don't back off on this girls, because when we do aerobics we produce a hormone in the body called phenophonometamorphenone.  And you can get hooked on this.  Has anybody heard the expression, the jogger's?  Yes, there is a jogger's nipple, the jogger's high, that's right.  So let's get high!  What we are aiming to do in this section, is raise the pulse rate to eighty per cent of one hundred and eighty per cent of the resting pulse for twenty-two minutes.  Now don't attempt to compete with me.  I'm a very experienced exerciser and after so many years in aerobics I am a superb physical specimen.  I did run the London Marathon with a chicken on my head.  On the other hand, we don't really know if any of this is doing us any good.  Connie, have you got those doughnuts?

Cast

Madge

Victoria Wood

First shown on Victoria Wood: Live in Your Own Home, on BBC 2 in 1995, , and on the BBC Video Victoria Wood: Live In Your Own Home.