Giving Notes

Alma, a middle-aged sprightly woman, addresses her amateur company after a rehearsal of Hamlet. She claps her hands.

Alma

Right. Bit of hush please. Connie! Thank you. Now that was quite a good rehearsal; I was quite pleased. There were a few raised eyebrows when we let it slip the Piecrust Players were having a bash at Shakespeare but I think we’re getting there. But I can’t say this too often; it may be Hamlet but it’s got to be Fun Fun Fun!

She consults her notes.

Now we’re still very loose on lines. Where’s Gertrude? I’m not so worried about you – if you ‘dry’ just give us a bit of business with the shower cap. But Barbara – you will have to buckle down. I mean, Ophelia’s mad scene, ‘There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance’ – it’s no good just bunging a few herbs about and saying, ‘Don’t mind me, I’m a loony’. Yes? You see, this is our marvellous bard, Barbara, you cannot paraphrase. It’s not like Pinter where you can more or less say what you like as long as you leave enough gaps.

Right, Act One, Scene One, on the ramparts. Now I know the whist table is a bit wobbly, but until Stan works out how to adapt the Beanstalk it’ll have to do. What’s this? Atmosphere? Yes – now what did we work on, Philip? Yes, it’s midnight, it’s jolly cold. What do we do when it’s cold? We go ‘Brrr’, and we do this (slaps hands on arms). Right, well don’t forget again, please. And cut the hot-water bottle, it’s not working.

Where’s my ghost of Hamlet’s father? Oh yes, what went wrong tonight, Betty? He'’ on nights still, is he? OK. Well, it’s not really on for you to play that particular part, Betty – you’re already doing the Player Queen and the back legs of Hamlet’s donkey. Well, we don’t know he didn’t have one, do we? Why waste a good cossy?

Hamlet – drop the Geordie, David, it’s not coming over. Your characterisation’s reasonably good, David, but it’s just far too gloomy. Fair enough, make him a little bit depressed at the beginning, but start lightening it from Scene Two, from the hokey-cokey onwards, I’d say. And perhaps the, er, ‘Get thee to a nunnery’ with Ophelia – perhaps give a little wink to the audience, or something, because he’s really just having her on, isn’t he, we decided…

Polonius, try and show the age of the man in your voice and in your bearing, rather than waving the bus-pass. I think you’ll find it easier when we get the walking frame. Is that coming, Connie? OK.

The Players’ scene: did any of you feel it had stretched a bit too…? Yes. I think we’ll go back to the tumbling on the entrance, rather than the extract from Barnum. You see, we’re running at six hours twenty now, and if we’re going to put those soliloquies back in…

Gravediggers? Oh yes, gravediggers. The problem here is that Shakespeare hasn’t given us a lot to play with – I feel we’re a little short on laughs, so Harold, you do your dribbling, and Arthur, just put in anything you can remember from the Ayckbourn, yes?

The mad scene: apart from the lines, much better, Barbara – I can tell you’re getting more used to the straitjacket. Oh – any news on the skull, Connie? I’m just thinking, if your little dog pulls through, we’ll have to fall back on papier mâché. All right, Connie, as long as it’s dead by the dress…

Oh yes, Hamlet, Act Three, Scene One, I think that cut works very well, ‘To be or not to be’, then Ophelia comes straight in, it moves it on, it’s more pacey…

Act Five, Gertrude, late again. What? Well, is there no service wash? I’m sure Dame Edith wasn’t forever nipping out to feed the dryer.

That’s about it – oh yes, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, you’re not on long, make your mark. I don’t think it’s too gimmicky, the tandem. And a most important general note – make up! Half of you looked as if you hadn’t got any on! And Claudius – no moles again? (Sighs.) I bet Margaret Lockwood never left hers in the glove compartment.

That’s it for tonight then; thank you. I shall expect you to be word-perfect by the next rehearsal. Have any of you realised what date we’re up to? Yes, April the twenty-seventh! And when do we open? August! It’s not long!

Cast

Alma

Julie Walters

First shown on Victoria Wood—As Seen on TV on BBC2 in January 1985.