In the Office

Beattie

You look tired, Connie.

Connie

I couldn’t get off last night. I even had Dick throw a brick at my head to stun me but…

Beattie

Have you tried jamming your head in the tumble-drier and switching on?

Connie

No?

Beattie

It worked for me. Then of course the body gets accustomed.

Connie

Like deodorants. They work for a certain amount of time and then bang – people are backing away with handbags over their noses.

Beattie

You’re not ponging too badly at the minute, Connie.

Connie

I’ve had my armpits stripped. A peel-off paste. Quite simple to apply though it has marked my cork flooring.

Beattie

Oh, do you have cork? We have tufted shag.

Connie

We have to be able to mop, you see, with Dad’s habits…

Beattie

Dicky bladder?

Connie

We call him Dad, but… he can trot to the bogetory as neat as you please when he’s not engrossed, but if it’s Mavis Nicholson or the Cooking Canon then he won’t budge and there you are with it all over your adjustable seating.

Beattie

Can’t you put him in a home?

Connie

Well we could, but I’m using his head for a flower arrangement at the moment.

Beattie

Is that an evening class?

Connie

Yes. I put down for Ju Jitsu but I came out of the wrong lift.

Beattie

What’s in your sandwiches?

Connie

Soap powder. I think it’s these drugs I’m on. Quite nice though. What’s yours?

Beattie

Coconut matting. I’m doing the high-fibre.

Connie

Did you watch the news?

Beattie

The nine o’clock?

Connie

Yes. Nasty blouse.

Beattie

We stayed up for News at Ten. Three bangles and a polo-neck, thank you.

Connie

No, her ears are in the wrong place for a polo-neck.

Beattie

You need to be Princess Di, really.

Connie

They’ve the length of bone, haven’t they, royalty?

Beattie

The Queen’s not got long bones.

Connie

No, well she’s spent all that time stood about – with natives waggling their doodahs at her.

Beattie

My cousin’s on Male Surgical and she’s very short, must be the same thing – the standing.

Connie

Is that the one that went on Opportunity Knocks dressed as a cheese and tomato sandwich?

Beattie

No, that was Madge. She didn’t win. She got out of rhythm with the xylophone.

Connie

Our next-door’s had sex again last night.

Beattie

Not again!

Connie

I mean, I like a joke, but that’s twice this month. I could not think what the noise was. I though our central heating had come on a month early. And then somebody called out, ‘Don’t bother Ken, I’ll do it myself’, and I thought, well it can’t be the central heating. Have you got gas?

Beattie

No, methane. Well I thought, why not, while I’m on the high-fibre…

Connie

Does it work the cooker as well?

Beattie

Oh yes, though a leg of pork takes seven days to cook through.

Connie

I can’t keep it down, pork. Not since a Jehovah’s witness told me about their matting habits.

Beattie

Pigs? What do they do? (She glances off.)

Connie

They enjoy it.

Beattie

They don’t.

Connie

They do. Now, are you still having pork and pickle fancies for Shona’s wedding?

Beattie

I’m not.

Phone rings.

Family Planning, can I help you?

Cast

Beattie

Victoria Wood

Connie

Julie Walters

First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV, on BBC2 in January 1985.