Keep Playing the Piano THE VICTORIA WOOD WAY

As featured in Lucky Bag: The Victoria Wood Song Book, 2nd edition published 1992 by Methuen, ISBN 0-7493-0819-2

I don't play with my left hand. That's the first thing. You can if you want to. We've put some notes in for clever chaps who do want to go bashing away with both hands at the same time, boring everybody stupid. You've probably got a food processor as well, haven't you?

Also, do lots of wrong notes. We haven't written those in, feeling it's more creative for you to make up your own. We haven't included any raffia, Stanley knives or wholemeal macaroni for the same reason.

Playing the piano, as discussed earlier in my paragraph of the today inst., is quite simple, viz., keep smiling and don't get too much banana sandwich on the black notes. (Doesn't show so much on the white ones, unless the bananas are over-ripe, in which case, reverse the above advice.)

People often ask me about pedals. I say, yes do get some. Piano pedals are best, but those of you who are dismantling an old moped may find they have the urge to waste not want not. Don't. They don't sound as good, and anyway, they look stupid.

If you're the sort of person who likes to get drunk and have a sing-song round the piano very late at night, perhaps you'd better move house. And although we certainly do not give permission for these songs to be performed in public, there's bound to be some nit in Bromley who takes no bleeding notice, so here are some performance guidelines. Emphasise every other word, and perform all the others as if they were in 'inverted' 'commas'. I also recommend plenty of winking, pursing of the lips and explanatory gestures of the hands for such words as 'you', 'me', 'I'm buying a bungalow in Weybridge', etc.

Finally, choosing an instrument. Uprights damage less paintwork on the way in, but grands are more useful if you do a lot of dressmaking, or need a flat surface for mixing concrete.

So it's up to you. Some people have found this book very useful, especially those who had trouble with a wobbly wicker plant stand. And I hope you get as much pleasure out of reading this book as I did from the egg and chips with three eggs I had last week. Till then, take care.

The above words were written eight years ago. How life has changed for myself. From being an insecure, tense 'woman in comedy', I am now a successful society hostess, entertaining my husband's business clients on a regular basis, often without him knowing anything about it.

But even though my busy life is now crammed with high-impact aerobic sessions, psychotherapy and in-depth aerobic sessions, my wardrobe analyst, I still manage to stuff in a few minutes daily sympathy for those less fortunate than myself. In fact, I've written a few songs for them. I can only hope, that in a rather small way, my ditties and sallies are going some distance towards alleviating world poverty, unemployment and the misery of cashmere allergy.

© Victoria Wood