Margery and Joan: Three

Joan

And we’ll have more needlework hints next week, when Philippa will be showing us how to stitch up the mouth of a talkative friend or relative. And now, as usual on Fridays, we’re going over to Margery to see what sort of week she’s been having. Hello, Margery, what sort of week have you been having?

Margery

Hello Joan. Well, I’ve been having a very hectic time. On Monday, my husband and I tiled our bathroom – more on that later – and on Tuesday we filed for divorce.

Joan

And so do you think you might follow the trend, Margery, of the rather worn-out middle-aged woman shacking up with a much younger man?

Margery

Well, it’s definitely worth looking into, Joan. One nice thing I do like about younger men is that they tend not to wear pyjamas.

Joan

By pyjamas you mean nightwear generally?

Margery

Yes, and striped garments in particular.

Joan

Yes, because, I know from our postbag, Margery, that many of our viewers find folding pyjamas quite an arduous task.

Margery

That’s right, Joan, often leading to lower back pain, depression, dependence on tranquillising drugs, and sadly, alas, to suicide.

Joan

Gosh. But you’ve also been looking at double glazing, haven’t you?

Margery

Cheap double glazing, Joan.

Joan

With the emphasis on the cheap rather than the glazing, Margery?

Margery

Absolutely. So -

Joan

So in effect, we don’t have to spend four or five thousand pounds keeping our homes draught-free.

Margery

No. So –

Joan

So how do we go about it?

Margery

Sorry, could you just move away; your breath smells – thanks. Right – a new report just out reports that most of the heat-loss lost from rooms is actually escaping through the glass. That’s the see-through part of the window. Now double-glazing can cover up the glass, but it can’t take it away. Now a new firm has come up with a revolutionary and much cheaper idea of taking the glass away, and bricking up the spaces where the windows used to be. And hey presto, no glass, no draughts, no heat-loss.

Joan

No light.

Margery

No, I suppose not, Joan.

Fade in music, fade out dialogue.

Joan

I suppose you’ll prefer to be in the dark, Margery, if you’re planning to sleep with lots of younger men?

Margery

Or I may just blindfold them in the lobby, Joan; I’m fairly loose either way.

Cast

Joan

Victoria Wood

Margery

Julie Walters

First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV on BBC2 in January 1985.