Nasty Things

As featured in Lucky Bag: The Victoria Wood Song Book, 2nd edition published 1992 by Methuen, ISBN 0-7493-0819-2

This song was written for the comedienne and vocaliste Paula du Val, by that reasonably well-known song-writing duo, Betty and Derek Dewsbury. They've written many fabulous melodies for Paula including 'Well, it's just not good enough, our Glynis', and the very popular ballad 'I'm snip-snip-snipping his toenails, but I can't do the one on the left.'

There's nasty things wherever you look.
There's nasty things in every book.
You're down and out. You've got no rent.
Your leg's been mashed in an accident.
There's nasty things wherever you look.

There's nasty things wherever you go.
There's nasty folks around, and I know.

They offer you life's brimming cup,
Then they make you puke it up.
There's nasty things wherever you go.
Chorus:
Grease and grime,
Sludge and slime,
Evil doing and skulduggery,
Do we fight
To put them right?
Let's face it, do we buggery?

There's nasty things all over in life.
There's nasty things in being a wife.

You make things nice, but does he care?
Keeps maggots in your Tupperware.
There's nasty things all over in life.
Chorus:
If life's a boat
Then mine don't float.
My oars come out my rowlocks.
You say, not at all,
Life's a ball.
Then my reply is—arseholes.

There's nasty things whatever you do.
There's nasty things just waiting for you.

At the pearly gates you make your bow.
They say: heaven's shut - it's Bingo now.
There's nasty things whatever you do.

© Betty and Derek Dewsbury, 1983