Skin Care

A department store.  An over-made-up sales assistant is behind the cosmetics counter.  A girl enters.

Assistant

Good morning, madam.  May I interest you in our skin-care range, though I have to admit that from here your skin looks flawless?

Girl

Thank you.

Assistant

But then again, I failed my driving test because I couldn’t read the number plate.  Do you have any spots?

Girl

No.

Assistant

Would you like some?  I’ll just do a quick check on the computer.  Colour of eyes?

Girl

Blue.

Assistant

Grey.  Hair?

Girl

Blonde.

Assistant

Mousey.  Condition of pores: open, closed?

Girl

They’re sort of ajar.

Assistant

Let’s see.  Dear me.  To we in the trade, that’s not so much of a complexion – more of a doily.

Girl

Don’t you sell a product that would close them up a bit?

Assistant

Well, we do an astringent, but really, with pores that big, you’d be better off with a darning needle and some pink wool.  You see, it’s really your greasy skin that’s at fault.

Girl

Is it?

Assistant

We do sell this – I don’t know if it’s strong enough for what you need, but it brought my chip-pan up lovely.

Girl

I’m starting to feel quite bad about what I look like.

Assistant

Good.  Now, about your wrinkles.

Girl

Laughter lines.

Assistant

Nothing’s that funny.  We can arrange plastic surgery.  £15 including bed and breakfast.

Girl

Why is it so cheap?

Assistant

The surgeon’s bleeding hopeless.

Girl

Well, it sounds like I’m so ugly, nothing’s going to be any use.

Assistant

Oh, I don’t know, madam.  There’s our special formula lipstick.

Girl

What good’s that?

Assistant

It’s six foot high, you can stand behind it.  Can I help you madam?

Cast

Girl

Victoria Wood

Assistant

Julie Walters

First shown on Wood and Walters, on ITV in January 1982.