The Practice Room

A stuffy music student is practising something fiddly and classical on the piano.  Enter a beaming chain-smoking cleaner; she stands listening to the pianist making mistakes.

Cleaner

Having trouble, are you?

Pianist

Yes, a little.

Cleaner

Music like that - it's all the same whether you play it wrong or not, isn't it?  Do you not know any proper tunes?

Pianist

I'm sorry?

Cleaner

Do you know 'Dream of Olwen'?  Lovely that.  That were on in Women's Surgical the night I had my cervix cauterised.  Tell you what - do us the 'Harry Lime Theme' (hums a bit).  Great that.  Now, that's dead easy - my Uncle Albert could play it and he had a metal plate in his head.

Pianist

I'm sorry.

Cleaner

No, you're all right.  Quite a blessing, really.  If he sat with his back to the aerial we could get Welsh television.  Back inside now, poor old thing.  Shoplifiting.  Caught outside Tesco's with half a pound of skinless links stuffed down his trousers.  That caused a certain amount of confusion as well - he was nearly had up on two charges.  (Picking up concert programme off the piano:) Go to concerts a lot, do you?

Pianist

When I can, yes.

Cleaner

Yeah, smashing.  Ever see Renato do 'Moonlight Sonata'?

Pianist

No, I don't think…

Cleaner

On roller skates with the xylophone strapped round his neck.  Finished up in a wicker basket whistling 'Colonel Bogey' while a woman in a sequined bra thrust spears through all parts of his body.

Pianist

Gosh.  I suppose he escaped unscathed?

Cleaner

No, he bled to death, actually.  There was some kind of a mix-up over who was working the trap-door.  (Drops ash inside piano.)

Pianist

Er, I don't think the principal would think that was terribly good for the Steinway.

Cleaner

Tough titty.  He's lucky Mrs Harris is off sick.  She always says what's the point dragging round to the toilet when there's timps handy.  No, I'm only kidding.  It were only an old French horn.

Pianist

I must get on, actually.

Cleaner

I see that Janet Baker were here last week.

Pianist

Yes, it was marvellous.  We could hear her practising in number seven.

Cleaner

Ooh, so could we.  There's me trying to listen to 'Mystery Voice' on the wireless.  In the end I knocked on the door, I said for God's sake put a sock in it or give us something a bit more cheerful.  I told her, I said you'd get booed off down the British Legion, you would.  I said call yourself a music lover?  She didn't know nothing - 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon', 'Bright Eyes'…

Pianist

Well, I must persevere…

Cleaner

Don't mind me, you carry on.  Having lessons, are you?

Pianist

Yes.  Professor Hartley.  (Bum note.)

Cleaner

Ask him for a refund.  (Laughs.)  No, I'm only kidding.  I tell you a lovely pianist could learn you a few things - Bobby Crush.  He can cross his hands over and everything.  Lovely smile.  Going to turn pro?

Pianist

I like to think so, one day.

Cleaner

Hey - I know.  They're looking for someone down the snug at the Winston.  Good job - £5 a night and any ploughman's they've left over from dinnertime.  It wouldn't have fell vacant, but some of the lads got a bit tanked up and tried to jam the pianist's head in the lid.  It were a scream.  Anyway shall I put in a word for you?

Pianist

Quite honestly, I do aspire a little higher than the snug.

Cleaner

What, the lounge?  (Doubtful.)  Well, maybe.  They do more your classical stuff - 'Lara's Theme', 'Edelweiss'…

Pianist

I won't be able to get a job anywhere if I don't get this right.

Cleaner

You know what you're doing wrong?

Pianist

What?

Cleaner

Well, that dotted semi-quaver is tied over the bar, and that middle note of the triplet isn't accidental.  (Leaving.)  And another thing - your nails need cutting.

Cast

Pianist

Cleaner

Victoria Wood

Julie Walters

First shown on Wood and Walters, on ITV in January 1982.