The Reporter

	The Reporter

	A cheerful young girl reporter rings the front door bell: the door is answered by a weeping widow.
Reporter	Widow Smith? I’m from the Herald and Argus. I believe your husband’s just died and he was quite well known or something.
Widow	Yes.
Reporter	We thought we’d do a little piece on him, just a few inches.
Widow	I’m not sure.
Reporter	It’s just there hasn’t been any jumble sales this week – we’re a bit strapped.
Widow	Come in then, I haven’t done much tidying up, since…
	They go in.
Reporter	Good excuse, a death, isn’t it, to bunk off the housework? If somebody dropped dead in our house, I’d be quite pleased.
Widow	Would you like a drink?
Reporter	Depends what he died of. If it’s anything catching, I won’t bother, ta.
Widow	It was his heart. It was very sudden. Biscuit?
Reporter	No, ta. Tried my bikini on last night, nearly had a heart attack.
	She picks up a photo.
	This him? He looks quite sick on this actually, doesn’t he?
	Tears from the widow.
	He looks a dead nice bloke, though. So – he did what exactly, drop dead?
Widow	He collapsed in front of the television.
Reporter	What channel?
Widow	ITV, I think. A ‘Carry On’ film.
Reporter	Oh, I love them. You didn’t tape it did you? Did he topple grotesquely out of the chair or anything?
Widow	He slumped sideways. He spilt his coffee.
Reporter	It’s left a nasty stain – I bet you could have killed him when you saw that. And he wrote, what, books, was it?
Widow	Thrillers. The ‘Captain Black’ stories.
Reporter	They’re full of glamorous women, aren’t they?
Widow	That’s right.
Reporter	Who did he draw them from, then? Did he do a lot of sleeping around, because if he did it’s no wonder he dropped dead, really.
Butch	(off) Hello?
	Butch enters, a large insensitive man.
Reporter	In here, Butch! This is our photographer. This is the grieving widow, Butch. Husband popped off while watching a ‘Carry On’ film.
Butch	Great, love. Is he here? Can we prop him up somewhere, love?
Widow	No, he’s…
Butch	Not to worry. Have you got a bikini love? Thigh boots, hot pants?
Widow	No.
Butch	Does this wall come down?
	Butch kicks it.
Reporter	He did spill his coffee in the throes of death, apparently.
Butch	Yeah, that might do. Hang on.
	He chucks some tea on the rug.
	That should show up better. Now if you could hold this up with one hand, love, and sort of point to the stain, do me a face love, a bit disgusted, a bit sort of rueful, like ‘how the heck am I going to get this stain out’, kind of thing. Can you just hop up on the telly for me?
	She climbs up; he sweeps all of the ornaments off the top.
	Just move these a sec – you’ll have to crouch down a bit for me, just cup your chin, sort of ‘me husband’s popped his clogs but life goes on’ kind of thing. Can you stop crying – I’m getting a bounce-off.
Reporter	We could call it ‘Carry On Crying’, Butch.
Butch	Great, fabulous. Thanks very much love, if you want any prints, just pop in to the office.
	The reporter and Butch leave. The widow begins to take an overdose. The reporter comes back in.
Reporter	Did I leave my… stop, don’t take any more. Butch! Quickly!
	Butch comes back in.
Butch	Oh that’s smashing, love. Just turn the bottle round to me, love, then I can see the label, that’s fabulous. Now hold me a pill up, and can you sort of ‘I’m topping myself but I can still have a laugh about it’, kind of thing. Now take another and hitch your skirt up…

	Cast
Widow	Victoria Wood
Reporter	Julie Walters
Butch	Jim Broadbent
	First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV on BBC2 in January 1985.

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