The Song of the Lonely Girl

As featured in Lucky Bag: The Victoria Wood Song Book, 1^st edition published 1984 by Methuen, ISBN 0-413-56140-2 (hardback), 0-413-56150-X (paperback).

This is a little number Brecht and Weill forgot to write. It was inspired by seeing two girls in belted raincoats and plenty of lipstick perform a non-stop medley of Brecht songs. It was the sort of evening in the theatre where you find yourself wondering what your tea-towels would come out like if you dyed them.

I knew a girl,
A lonely girl,
Who could not get her hair to curl,
Who'd never had a man
(She wanted a man),
And every night she'd take her pill,
Put on that stuff called Clearasil
And plan herself a little plan.

She would say,
Please, I want a lover,
Someone to cover me with kisses,

Till I've had my fill.
He must be gentle
And sentimental,
And he must possess a Black and Decker drill.

God sent her William from Wembley.
He was into self-assembly.

He put wardrobes up for fun
(Not my cup of tea).
He would laugh with her and cry with her.
He went to MFI with her.
What more could he have done?

But she said,
No, I want a poet,
Whose love will show itself to me,

Whose words will make it clear.
He must be arty,
Make life a party,
And he must come out in paperback this year.

God sent her Tom, an intellectual,
In bed, quite ineffectual.

Not even very bright
(Poor Tom).
Not only was he not erect,
He wrote monologues in dialect,
And read them out aloud all night.

So she said,
Please, send someone hunky
He must be chunky with a tan

And sexy deep blue eyes.
Let muscles ripple
>From knee to nipple,
And I think I'll let the rest be a surprise.

God sent her Dave, whose wonderful physique
Resulted from a six day week

At the YMCA
(What more is there to say?).
She stayed the night, but all he'd show
Was Bette Davis on the video.
When morning came she sadly walked away.

The lonely girl came off the pill,
Gave up that stuff called Clearasil.

It's sad don't you agree
(Quite sad),
But she's OK. She gets along.
She tells a joke. She sings a song.
Ah yes, because that girl was me.

© Victoria Wood, 1983