Young Love: One

Carl and Gail are a slow-witted Northern pair, sitting on a wall they can’t think of anywhere to go.

Gail

Do you love me, Carl?

Carl

Yeah, you’re all right.

Gail

Do you think of me when you’re cleaning windows?

Carl

Yeah, some of the time.

Gail

Do you think about me when you’re having your dinner?

Carl

Depends what it is.

Gail

What do you mean, Carl?

Carl

I might if I’m having a Scotch egg, but if I’m having crisps, I’m concentrating on opening t’ bag, aren’t I?

Gail

What about at night?

Carl

What about at night?

Gail

Do you think about me then?

Carl

In bed?

Gail

Yeah, or under it.

Carl

When I’m in bed, Gail, I’m reading The Puzzler, aren’t I?

Gail

Yeah, but, when your mam’s put the light out, and you’ve just closed your eyes, what do you think about then, Carl?

Carl

My shammy leather.

Pause

Gail

When we get married, Carl, where will we live?

Carl

Well, we’re living in my mam’s sideboard, aren’t we?

Gail

Yeah, but after that. Shall we have an ’ouse?

Carl

Nah. Penthouse flat.

Gail

What’s that, Carl?

Carl

It’s got fur rugs, hasn’t it?

Gail

What colour?

Carl

Well it depends, dunnit? If it’s off an animal, it’ll be animal-coloured, won’t it? Or there’s orange.

Gail

Where is it?

Carl

What?

Gail

This flat.

Carl

Well, they’re all in London, aren’t they? And there’s two in the Isle of Man.

Gail

Is that the same as France?

Carl

France is abroad I’n’t it? They have different bread and allsorts.

Gail

Different allsorts? You mean not liquorice?

Carl

Eh? Anyway, they’re on t’roof.

Gail

What?

Carl

Penthouse flats.

Gail

I’m not living on a roof. My knitting’ll roll into t’guttering.

Carl

Who’s been telling you about guttering?

Gail

You did. When we were kissing goodnight last night, and we snuggled up, and you said you had something to tell me, and you told me about guttering.

Carl

Yeah, well, I won’t always be that romantic.

Gail

OK Carl.

Cast

Gail

Victoria Wood

Carl

Andrew Livingstone

First shown on Victoria—Wood As Seen on TV on BBC2 in January 1985.